Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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