i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
