he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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