Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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