I got chris browned last night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
