My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
