did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize