guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
