i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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