I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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