He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
And then my night got REAL pukey
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
