It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
tell me about the eggs
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