Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize