the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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