It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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