Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize