I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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