first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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