my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
