its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
