dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
