I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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