hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize