our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
