All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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