There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
