just tell him i said nine months
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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