I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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