I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
