I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
