No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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