he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
