My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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