I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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