Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
