I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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