You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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