This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
