this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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