Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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