i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
