I wish my penis had an off switch
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
