Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
