I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
