hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
