i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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