Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic
so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?
Thats gay
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize