dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
