I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
