i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
