hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize