I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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