remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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