the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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