At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
