I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The best revenge is premature balding
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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