i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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