my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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