My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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