i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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