I just found puke in my bra..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
