So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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